Good Afternoon! I’m Anuj Raghuram, and you’re watching Ragamuffin Cable News, live and exclusive. In this auspicious season of sporting spectacles all across the world including the phenomenal conclusion of the Olympics and the Paralympics, we bring to you an exclusive coverage of what we believe to be an even bigger sporting festival. To give us more details let’s go over to reporter Saket Jodhani, who’s reporting live from the Ainley Center of Learning.
Afternoon Saket! What’s the scene down there at Ainley?
“Hey Anuj, it’s been an exciting day here at the Ainley Center of Learning. I’m currently standing at the back of classroom 8 B, where there’s an intense game of Pen Fight that has commenced. As you can see, we are down to only two fighters from what started off as eight competitors across two benches.”
Run us through the elimination of the first six competitors, Saket.
“Well Anuj, to be honest the first six members that were ousted, didn’t really spend too long on the field. It was a beautiful sight nonetheless. Eight pens. All set for war. There was so much chaos at the start, that inevitably multiple players were smashed out of the playing bench. The saddest of course was that of a genius who used the special ‘Hero’ Ink Pen, which frankly barely had a chance of even touching any other pen. Eventually it plunged to a suicidal fall.”
Tell us a bit about the final two contenders.
“Oh, these two pens have been going at it for 20 long minutes now. One is a customized fat ball-pen wrapped with multiple rubber bands. The other is a crowd favourite- Add Gel Achiever. It could be anyone’s game at this point Anuj. Only time will tell.”
Thank you so much Saket, we’ll get back to you in some time to get updates on any progress.
Well, if you thought that that was some gruesome battling, you’ll be surprised at what’s been unveiling at the Centenary Block. For more information let’s go down to Sid Subramanian. Hi Sid, how’s it going out there?
“Hey Anuj! It’s a heated competition here at classroom 10 G. This is easily the most brutal game that has happened all day, across the entire campus. Although that’s what you’d expect from the game of Hot Hands. Bones have almost been broken. Skins have been ridiculously bruised. At some points, tears of pain were even shed. But, oh, these men are no pussies. They are willing to subject themselves to any amounts of torment. Whatever it takes to be the last man standing.”
Have there been any injuries all day, Sid?
“Oh we did have one casualty, Anuj. One player had very slight bleeding at the edge of his palm because one of his intellectual competitors was wearing a loose steel watch during a match. But he’s been taken to the sick room just in case. So that’s under control. Other than that, everyone’s masculinity withholds too much pride to declare any injury of sorts.”
Any report on the condition of that one casualty?
“Umm, I did get a statement from the sick room nurse who said, ‘You boys are extremely stupid to be playing such idiotic games. I will have to report this to supervisor madam, if I get anymore such cases!’. So yeah, that’s it from the Centenary Block.”
Thank you Sid, do keep us updated.
“Sure Anuj, thanks.”
We now move on to the Canon Elphick block, where Shravan Rao, is reporting from the Chemistry Lab. Good Day Shravan, what’s happening out there this afternoon?
“Well Anooz, multiple games have broken out here at the Chem Lab. There is a game of Book Cricket happening at the back using the Lab Manual. However the spotlight is deservingly stolen by the widespread game of Hand Cricket across the entire laboratory. Technically the whole class is divided into two teams: the front few benches and back few benches.”
What’s the result so far?
“We started off with an agreed, ‘ best of three games’ challenge. But since we lost the first two games, our captain fought for it to be changed to ‘best of five’. So we are currently playing our third game.”
That’s interesting Shravan. But what’s with the bad form of your team? It’s surprising that you have lost two games back to back.
“Of course it can be argued that we have been unlucky today. The other team has some excellent players mind you. Atul has been in fabulous form and Krishna has a been a surprise addition to their team. But I have with me here, our star player, Rakshit, who seems most pissed with these disappointing results. Hi Rakshit. You’ve had a bad run of matches today. What do you think is the matter?”
“ Solids. Liquids. Gas. Sometimes plasma.”
(Camera pans at Newscaster Anuj, who’s holding a poker face.)
(Camera pans at reporter Shravan, who’s holding a poker face.)
“As you can see Anuj. These guys are fucking nerds with a pathetic sense of humour. But this chap is indeed the only one our team is banking on. So that’s it from the Chem lab. Back to you at the studio”
Thanks so much Shravan. Good luck with the game as well as dealing with the geeks.
Moving on, Sports Captain Debhrid Gupta, has released a public statement on occasion of the events occurring all across the campus. The same will be displayed on the screen:
I am very proud of all the enthusiasm shown towards indulging in activities beyond what is prescribed in the academic curriculum. I am most excited about the final sporting event to be held at the First Eleven field. We will be initiating a game of Choo-chen, which will commence exactly when the lunch break bell rings. Also do note I don’t know how the word ‘ch00chen’ is really spelt or pronounced, but what the hell, it’s gonna be epic!
That was Sports Captain Debhrid, with an official public release. However this is just in: we have reports that a large crowd has gathered in the Cottonian Cafeteria. We have Darren Punnen reporting from site; Hi Darren, do tell us what’s going on there?
“Anuj, things just took an interesting turn at the cafeteria right now. We would like to declare that a doughnut eating competition is on the verge of starting off. Two contenders, Ameen and Ismail are all set for the challenge.”
That’s pretty exciting Darren. How many doughnuts are we talking right now?
“We have pre-ordered about 50 doughnuts, each costing five bucks. Babu, from the canteen staff, was nice enough to keep aside the said 50 just for us. But we’ll report more on this as the story progresses”
Alright. Do keep us posted.
“Sure Anuj. Good day!”
That’s all time we have for today’s report because the bell just rang and it’s PT period. Only an idiot would give up PT period to run a make-believe news show. So until next time, this is your host Anuj Raghuram, live from RCN, signing out.